I am an eternal optimist. I have faith in God. I pray and trust that He will give me the strength to handle anything that comes my way.
But sometimes when it comes to my kids, something will flash in my brain and all logic, reason and faith is replaced with what amounts to an irrational fear from a seemingly defective brain.
Have you ever been returning a cart to the cart corral in a parking lot after securing your kids in the car and had an image of yourself getting run over by a car?
Have you ever closed the front door as your child left for school and bolted up the stairs to watch him out the window to make sure he got on the bus because if you are not 100% sure he got on the bus, you will worry all day imagining terrible things?
Have you ever turned around frantically while putting your daughter in her car seat after seeing a shadow pass over her thinking someone was behind you about to carjack you with your daughter in the car?
I struggle with a number of issues after one of of these extreme moments.
First, I worry that my fear is actually an indication that my faith is not as strong as I think it is.
Second I worry that it is a sign of impending mental collapse.
Third I wonder if maybe we should never leave the house again (which kind of rolls itself back into the second issue).
These moments literally paralyze me. It’s like my heart stops beating and nothing exists for me except the worry over what my kids would experience if these fears ever became reality. It’s not about me, my fear somehow presents itself by seeing it through their eyes. And let me tell you, that is worse than any physical pain I could ever imagine.
Have you ever?